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Wednesday, December 29, 2010

YNTE Movie Night: Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan


So while I was writing those other two movie reviews tonight, I had a movie going on the other monitor and it was SO GOOD I had to write about it immediately. You know, good in a YNTE Movie Night sense, where it's terrible, but fun to watch and loudly criticize.

The movie of course, was "Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan", and before you ask, yes, that is really the title. They decided to go with "VIII" instead of "8" because this is a CLASSY film.

Before I get into the plot of this movie, a bit of background for those who haven't seen the first VII movies. They center around Jason Vorhees, who, as a child, attended Camp Crystal Lake. He didn't know how to swim and drowned as the lifeguards were off fucking instead of watching the kids. Since then, he returns on the anniversary of his death to kill camp counselors and other promiscuous teens.

Flash forward to this film. The main character (as a child, in flashback) is out boating on Crystal Lake with her creepy uncle who is giving her shit about still no knowing how to swim. He points out that Jason drowned here because he didn't know how to swim, and if she doesn't learn how to swim, she will drown too. He follows up this totally child-appropriate pep talk by pushing her out of the boat and telling her if she doesn't swim, Jason will grab her and drag her to the bottom of the lake. I should take uncle lessons from this guy, because he clearly knows how to motivate children.

Of course, this being a movie, as soon as he says that, IT ACTUALLY HAPPENS. Deformed child Jason grabs onto the already drowning girl and drags her deeper into the lake. Somehow she survives but her parents die and she is raised by Uncle Doucher.

As she graduates High School, many of her peers congregate on a cruise ship from Crystal Lake to New York city, which is a little shady since I was under the impression Crystal Lake was in Illinois. Geography aside, Jason of course hops on board the ship and hitches a ride to NYC, murderin' all the way. Some would point out that it is out of character for Jason to leave Crystal Lake as he has no motivation to do so, and they would be right, but since in two films he will be in space, I'm going to let it slide.

They are on this boat for a very long time. They might as well have called this movie "Friday the 13th Part VII: I'm on a Boat" since they don't set foot in New York until after an hour into the 90 minute movie.

Jason's victims try out a new tactic this movie, which they hadn't tried previously: sitting there doing nothing. Nobody really fights the dude. They just sit there and get murdered. ONE GUY fights back by punching Jason repeatedly for like 2 minutes straight (not exaggerating) and Jason just stands there and takes it because hey, this is the movies and only one person can be agressive at a time.

Oh, and of course as soon as the guy runs out of energy and stops punching, Jason decapitates him with one punch. Decapipunches are real, right?

Anyway, about an hour into the movie, Jason throws a guy at a computer which causes the boat to burn up. A few survivors manage to escape in a rowboat. Uncle Doucher does not help row, but has snide remarks for those who do. They finally manage to row their way to shore in New York, which once again raises Geography questions. Where are they originally from where New York is a couple hours away from rowboat distance yet is still a destination? I'm led to believe Camp Crystal Lake is in New Jersey which goes a long way to explain Jason's temprament.

Meanwhile, while they are rowing, Jason, is swimming behind them. Let me repeat that: Jason, on whom this entire series is predicated on not being able to swim, IS SWIMMING. And not just swimming, but swimming in the open ocean during a storm and keeping pace with a rowboat.

There's a brief break here for the main character to get kidnapped by gangbangers and dosed with Heroin to remind the viewer that this is New York. THEM STREETS IS VICIOUS YO.

Then back to the Murderin'! Jason chases them through the city past literally hundreds of easier targets/witnesses. Uncle Doucher gets drowned (irony!).

The chase culminates in a sewer with the last two survivors trying to escape up a ladder with Jason just feet below them. All of a sudden, TIDAL WAVE! Despite the fact that he had just survived being hit by a car and electrocuted, despite the fact that just minutes before he showed olympic level swimming ability, despite the fact that he spent the two years between the last movie and now chained to a rock underwater, six feet of water drowns him and he dies.

But the craziest fucking thing is this: when the water washes away, instead of adult Jason's body, it is child Jason's body. Why? Umm... symbolism? They find their dog. Credits.

Honestly, there is no point anymore in making a Jason parody because it has alrready been made and it was this movie. Completely unintentional. Just the way I like it.


BONUS CONTENT:
This is the song Alice Cooper wrote for Friday the 13th part VI. It contains such AWESOME lyrics as "You're deep in love, but you're deeper in the woods".

YNTE Movie Night: The Last Airbender


I realized as I was making that last post, that I have another movie night in the bank. About two months back I saw M. Night Shayamalan's "The Last Airbender".

I was going to come up with punny titles for this like "The Last Gharish Member" or "The Worst Airbender" or "the Last M. Night Movie I Will EVER see Airbender" or "The white people punch minorities because minorities are apparently all evil Airbender".

But I won't even dignify this film with a pun because quite frankly, it doesn't deserve it. It's bar none THE SINGLE WORST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN. Remember my review for The Happening? Cinematic GOLD compared to this turd.

Its crimes are too numerous to list, but let me sum it up this way. This is two hours of things happening. People do not react to these things happening, cause them to happen or emote any real opinion on the things happening in the first place.

An example: In the start of the movie, two people are hunting. They accidentally uncover a giant ball of ice. They break the ice, inside is another person. Cut to them back at camp, the buy they found is there. Nobody is behaving as though anything out of the ordinary or special has occurred. Then the evil ethnic looking firebenders arrive. They "pillage" the camp. People continue going about their day as their fucking homes are being pillaged. The dude they found in the ice ball is kidnapped. They do nothing to prevent this from happening. Then, without explanation, they go off to rescue a stranger they just found and have shown no interest in up to this point.

That's the first 5 minutes. There's two hours of that nonsense.

Luckily, my timing worked out well, and I happened to have just heard that our FINE state had decided to ban FourLoko and had just purchased myself some right before the ban went into effect.

So, fortuitously, I was drunk enough for most of the night that I actually remember very little of the film. If you MUST see this film, do yourself a favor and get blitzed first.

Here's some tweets from the night in question when my memory of the film was clearer and my grasp on grammar and punctuation was not:
http://twitter.com/#!/jathevan/status/2572332614819841
http://twitter.com/#!/jathevan/status/2573027510325248
http://twitter.com/#!/jathevan/status/2573372412133376
http://twitter.com/#!/jathevan/status/2574762672914433
http://twitter.com/#!/jathevan/status/2584940642312192

Long story short? DO NOT WATCH THIS. NOT EVEN YOU, TOM. I KNOW YOU LIKED THE CARTOON BUT THIS IS UTTER SHIT. I AM SERIOUS, LOOK AT THE CAPS.

YNTE Movie Night: Sharktopus


I promised I'd watch those 5 "monsters eating bikini babes" movies by now
, didn't I?

I'll get to them all... eventually. But I got a bit sidetracked and thus far, I've only seen one of them. But boy was it a classic.

I saw "Sharktopus", and it was exactly the movie you would expect it to be with that title.

Sure, the sharktopus is contantly changing size (one scene has him about the size of a person, another larger than a ship). Sure, his attributes change (by the end of the movie he has completely left the ocean and is cheezing around on dry land). But if you're willing to suspend your disbelief over the fact that the monster is a giant Shark-Octopus hybrid, these are really minor considerations.

This is a movie where EVERY character (yes, even the genetic scientists who created the sharktopus in the first place) are vacuous idiots. And most of them get eaten, stabbed, or torn apart. There's even one part at the end where the main character sets down his gun to poke the sharktopus with a big stick. Yes, that happened.

So it sounds like a slam dunk, right? Well I did have one major problem with the film. Let me explain:

A relatively in-shape human male has "six-pack" abs. Really in-shape guys will sometimes have "8-pack abs". Regardless of the number, they always come in matched, even, pairs, right?

Wrong.



The main character has disgustingly mismatched abs, and it's hella distracting. And he prances about the whole movie with his shirt open. BUTTON UP, FELLA. THE BUTTONS ARE THERE FOR A REASON.

I wanted to see a movie about a shark-octopus hybrid, not some mismatched FREAKSHOW. For Shame!

All in all, though, an enjoyable (though objectively not very good) movie. IF you can stand the abs.

It's Vegas, Baby!

So I returned home from Vegas yesterday, and subsequently passed out after the irritating flight home. Since my first name is the latest in the alphabet compared to the rest of my family, I get the pleasure of always getting an aisle seat, and I can't just take a nap on the plane 'cause people are constantly running into my arm on account of their tiny bladders. Consequently I didn't end up joining Umi and Evan in their Left 4 Dead game.

In any case, I thought I'd share the luxurious minibar my room came stocked with... wait, there was no mini bar, just this:


I certainly do enjoy my water, but not $7 for that. Hell, for $2 more I could run downstairs and get 3 bottles of Coke for that! But I digress. I was going to share the amazing meals I was going to have, but they were all pretty standard. So instead, enjoy these advertisements heavily laden with innuendo, starting from least to most obscure.





Anyway, this'll be the last post before my last post of the year. Cryptic!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas!


So here's a picture of a polar bear. I tried searching Google for "Christmas bear" 'cause I was lazy, but it was all teddy bears, cliparts, and coloring book pages. The suggestions said "did you mean Christmas polar bear?" And lo and behold, here's result #1.

Although one of those coloring book pages might be pretty badass.

Anyway, I'm off to Vegas. Ciao.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Evan paid me

Not pictured: Most of those bills.

It was really helpful at the LAN party we had, as I paid for a lot of the pizza. Like, 5 pizzas. Good stuff. In any case I've gotta get the rest of my posts in. It's been a busy month, so not a whole lot of buzzing going on around here.

Also we had our first ever chip-bag fight. That was interesting.

Also we didn't help Umi clean up. Sorry Umi! Maybe we'll help clean up next time. If you haven't banned us from your apartment already.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Matt is getting paid tonight.

Tom isn't.

Matt, upon receiving this money, you are contractually obligated to make posts or to travel back down here to give me back 8 bucks. Or 8 pizzas.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Monday, December 13, 2010

Happy Birthday, Matt!



Matt, I have good news and bad news:
The good news is that I publicly remembered your birthday on time.
The bad news is that your parents have LIED to you your whole life. You were actually born on the 13th! You are actually two days younger than you thought.

Hopefully this COMPLETELY ORIGINAL picture will cheer you up. Portal jokes are still relevant!

After all that fuss about publicly remembering your birthday...

...you forget to publicly remember mine. For the first time.

I'll let it slide this time...